Luke left tonight. Destination: Afghanistan. I feel like crawling into the woods to die like a wounded animal. The pain is indescribable, the tears plentiful. It is only because I have given him my entire self that I am able to hurt like this. He is hurting, too, of course, sorrowful over his decision to join the army, to put both of us through such heartache when the whole mess could have been cleanly avoided. We sobbed like devastated children in the moments leading up to parting, holding onto each other for dear life. Even through our tears, though, we were strong. United. Unwavering in the faith we have in one another and the joint existence we love to share.
For once in my life, the things I fear are quite rational and founded on real dangers. The worst thing I could do, however, is worry about things that have yet to occur...mainly because I can't afford to buy myself the facelift that I would most assuredly need after spending an entire year in a state of sheer panic! (Small joke.)
We were fortunate enough to spend the four-day weekend cocooned in each other's arms, bathing in the purest, most unabashed love in existence. Luke insists that I'll accomplish great things this year with music and get farther than ever before without him around to distract me. He doesn't mean that in a negative way, but the truth is, when two people unintentionally stumble upon the Holy Grail, it's kind of hard not to bask in all that true love entails. While I certainly came a long way last year with songwriting, recording, and performing, there was definitely the element of time. The clock was ticking, growing louder with every passing month as it brought us closer to this moment of farewell. Knowing that we were going to be apart for an entire year put many things into perspective. We soaked up every drop of bliss while we still could, stocking up on love like camels storing water in their humps in anticipation of the vast desert that lay ahead. And now?
I will write him every single day that we are apart. I will also throw myself into music like never before, increasing my focus tenfold. Music will keep me sane. It is my purpose in life and I am especially grateful for it in this moment of emotional injury. This will most likely be the most intimate blog entry you will read from me. From this day forward, most of my feelings concerning Luke's deployment will be put into song. I'll try not to be too much of a downer! Thanks for continuing to come along with me. I strongly feel that this year will yield some of my best work yet.
5 comments:
Aww Britt, it's true. Emotional upheaval, desperation, fear and sorrow lend themselves to creativity. Pour your heart and soul into the music. Luke will be home before you know it. He is in all of our prayers...no matter how we pray. I think with the amount of friends/family he has, just about all religious/spiritual bases are covered. Surely ONE of us is correct. :) Please feel free to call or email me if you need ANYTHING. 802-274-8598 Kathy
i am crying along with you.
As a former service member, a father, and a husband I know what you are going throught, and I feel for you.
He is going because he feels a need to do his part to make the world a better place, because if he dosen't then someone elses father or husband will have to. Even if it means his life he will willing do so to keep you and others safe from the dark side of humanity.
The best thing you can do is be strong for for Luke even if it is tearing you apart inside. You keep it to your self, for now. Show him nothing but utter support. Stay in touch by what ever means availbul. The last thing he needs is to worring about things he cannot attend to. This will lead to distraction when his attention should be else where. Even though he is away he still needs your support or he will fail. The same goes for you. You need each other to draw strenght from to stay focused. If one fails, both will fail.
Also don't listen to the public media. The main stream news just seems to focus on the negative and mention nothing about the postives like schools or clean water processing plants we have built. I have many friends in Afghanistan, some for years now and all have come home safe.
So as hard as it may seem don't fret over the things that have not yet come to pass for we have no control over them. Other wise you will give your self a axenity attack over stuff that has not happened and may not happen.
Best of wishes
David Randi
Thanks for all the kind words and support! Luke's reasons for joining were a bit different than service of country...it had more to do with a desire to learn a new skill while providing financial stability for his budding family...and definitely nothing to do with a belief in the fruits of war. Things are playing out much differently than he'd hoped. I'd love to spare him the stress of worrying about me, but we're in the habit of telling each other everything - that won't change while he's gone, as confiding keeps us emotionally connected. I promise I'll continue to shower him with support, though, regardless of how shitty I'm feeling...just as I've always done, and just as he's always done for me.
Thanks for reading!
The same goes for you. You need each other to draw strenght from to stay focused. If one fails, both will fail.
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